Conversation with a funeral director: Why am I afraid to leave my baby’s body alone in a funeral home?

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***TRIGGER WARNING***

The content discussed in this article is at times graphic.

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I sat in the in between…waiting. My baby boy had been born…still. The next day as I left the hospital, a raw and gnawing feeling of separation began to grow inside me.  I remained in a state of unease in the days to come. Questions and images bombarded my mind. Who is taking care of him? Are they treating his body with respect? Why am I eager for the day of the funeral?

Reflecting back, these many years later, I believe this to be the cause of my unease: as parents we have an innate instinct to care for our child, at all costs, always. Death does not stop this drive. Just like we fret over the care of our children when they go to a new babysitter or school, we fret over the respect that is given to our child’s body. We want to know that they have not been disrespected, treated in hap-hazard manner, or misplaced. The burial or cremation is final. The in-between is unsettling. We want the peace of mind that comes with finality. In some ways it feels like the only peace of mind we are still afforded.

It is because of this unease and the questions that come with it that I am very grateful to be able to introduce you to Miranda Benge Hummeldorf. Miranda is a Licensed Embalmer and Funeral Director in the state of Kentucky. I hope you will find a little peace of mind in her kind and insightful words.

Miranda, how does your job bring you into contact with babies?

“The truth about death is that it can touch anyone, despite age.

Being an embalmer in a high-volume funeral home there have been many times I have taken care of stillborn babies, deceased neonates, and infants.

Whether it be me picking up a family’s deceased child at the hospital, or them bringing them to me, when a family’s baby enters the funeral home the baby is treated as though they are mine too.

Utmost respect and dignity is given to everyone in our care. “

Help our readers understand a little bit about your work. How do you care for and prepare the bodies of the dead?

“As an embalmer that does not mean I exclusively embalm every deceased person that comes into my care. Embalming is not necessary in all cases but is beneficial to the viewing process. When it comes to deceased infants there is some important information to consider when choosing whether or not to embalm.

First, an infant’s body contains much more water than an adult or even a toddler. An infant’s body can be up to 80% water compared to 60% of an adult. Water can cause the body to breakdown faster, with embalming the process is slowed done.

Secondly, infant’s deaths usually call for an autopsy which can delay the family viewing which can potentially cause discoloration and odors. Embalming allows the deceased to be treated so the natural decomposition smells can be subdued and allows for cosmetics to be applied if needed. Cosmetics can cover discoloration and create a more natural look, but they need a firm, dry surface to be applied, thus embalming is beneficial.

Third and lastly, embalming allows for public visitations with an open casket. At our funeral home, embalming is required if the family would like an open casket public visitation or service. This rule is in place for public health, which was one of the reasons embalming was developed from the start. “

What happens during the embalming process?

“My favorite way to describe embalming is ‘a spa day for the deceased’. I know this seems strange, but I try to make it relatable. Embalming is literally using chemicals to help rejuvenate the deceased’s body, and with embalming I use restorative art to bring the deceased to a natural, pleasant look.

Typically, an embalming is performed by raising the vessels in the body to inject, but infants, especially stillborn babies, have a very tiny vascular system making it difficult to find them. If the vascular systems seems too small there is another way to embalm called topical or surface embalming. Embalming chemicals are applied to the deceased on the exterior, either soaking the deceased in a tub of embalming fluids or applying embalming gels/creams. After the embalming, the deceased is bathed, prepared with cosmetics, dressed, and then placed in their casket.

With infants I like to have a swaddle blanket or receiving blanket to wrap them so there is an option to pick them up from their casket and hold them. “

What special requests have you had in the past?

“Special requests are something I take seriously. I will do anything for a family as long as it’s not illegal.

I have had families bring in the clothes the baby was supposed to be taken home in to be their burial garments. Bringing in family photos, written letters, or special toys to be buried with the baby is common. If there is hair on the baby, a family may want a lock of hair. Personally, I try to always retrieve an ink print of the baby’s hand and/or foot. 

I will never turn a request away. I have even heard of families taking their embalmed baby out of the funeral home for a few hours, whether to take their baby home to show them their nursery or just drive them past the family’s meaningful places. Any time the family wants to spend with their baby before burial or cremation we do our best to make this a reality.”

Think about a mother or father right now. Their baby was stillborn two days ago. They feel uneasy knowing their child’s body is in the care of people they do not know. They long for the funeral and for the finality and relief that will come with knowing where their child lays. What are some words of comfort that you can give parents?

“Any loss is difficult, but there is nothing quite like the loss of a child or baby. To a family who has lost their baby and has trusted us with the responsibility of helping lay their baby to rest I want them to know me, and my funeral colleagues, will treat their baby with the love and attention they deserve.

In between your baby’s death until final disposition I will hold your baby with care, I will speak sweetly to them, I will dress and swaddle them, and I will always leave a light on for your baby.”

What is your perspective on burial verses cremation?

“The choice to bury or cremate is a personal choice. The differences in cremation and burial of a body is truly a family’s choice and I would not say one is better than the other. With burial, you are guaranteed to have a resting place for your baby so you and your family can visit. With cremation, you are able to bury or place the cremated remains in a permanent location, but there is also cremation jewelry and other memorial items to hold your baby’s cremated remains to take with you anywhere.

What people need to understand is that burial and cremation are just two ways. What really is a benefit before either cremation or burial is viewing, with or without a service.”

What additional thoughts do you have on viewing?

“Viewing is a key component in helping in the grieving process. Being able to see your baby after death, away from the hospital or place of death, in the comfort of a peaceful funeral home allows for time to process the loss.

Unfortunately, a stillborn death does not always allow for viewing, given the little development of the baby in the womb. There are sadly sometimes where viewing is not possible, but just being in the same room as your baby can still be a comfort. “

Miranda, thank you for talking to us about this difficult subject. What closing words would you like to leave with our readers?

“There are no magical words that can make a family who lost their baby feel better. I wish there were a way that, “I’m sorry for your loss” could take the pain away. Be gentle with yourself and gentle to others, people really do not know what to say when it comes to the death of a baby. Allow yourself to grieve, to feel every emotion. It will be difficult; it will be painful. It will get better, but it will never be the same.

To someone who knows someone who has lost a baby the best thing you can do is be present. Being present does not mean trying to soothe them with unsolicited words, it means being available. Being able to be present for someone means you allow them to guide their experience. Whether that be sitting in silence, allowing them to cry on your shoulder, bringing them food, or just being a phone call away.

I do encourage support groups. Losing a baby is a challenge not every person will go through, and some people say they feel completely alone in their grief due to this. Finding people who can relate to your loss can help the grief journey. Some people start a support group right away, some wait years after the death of their loved one, but it is never too late to start if you think it might benefit you. “

This interview is published by National Share as part of their education for healthcare providers and share volunteers.